I write in my head A LOT. I decided it's about time to write for real. Maybe just maybe it'll make someone else not feel so alone.
I always dreamed of having a lot of kids. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother. Playing with my babydolls was my favorite thing. Maybe because my mom made being a mother seem pretty great. Or maybe because I wanted something to love that might love me back. Not that my parents didn't, mind you. They were, and still are, awesome parents. I have 5 beautiful, amazing children. My dream came true.
What having a bunch of kids included was supposed to be a loving, supportive husband and a little farmette with a willow tree along the banks of a little creek and me enjoying every moment of motherhood at home with my babies and taking care of the animals on our little farm. I'm not living that dream. I have a decent house with a dog and a cat. For now, I might not have it in a year. The future is uncertain. I don't have the loving, supportive husband either. Technically, I still have a husband, but he is lusting, not loving. He has never understood what it meant to be supportive or a husband. Perhaps I didn't really understand what it meant to be a wife. I have a lot of theories about what went wrong, but for now what matters is that they did. Now he thinks he has found happiness, except I know him well enough to know the truth. If he found happiness, he wouldn't still need to know that I want him. He would be content knowing SHE does, but he isn't. SHE was never part of the dream or the other SHE's that came before her, though SHE has been around awhile, despite everything (that's for another day).
Nobody dreams of growing up and being alone. Nobody dreams of the ugly parts of mothering. Nobody dreams of emotional abuse. Nobody dreams of financial struggle. These are not the things that dreams of made of, but they are my things. My life. And I'm just a mom, NOT living the dream. But I'm living this life. I'm living it because the alternative is to not and these 5 little people, they need me. They deserve a better me than I am right now. There have been times I thought they might be better off without me. But deep down I know that they need me, even the broken me that I am right now. And if they can see me live this life that isn't my dream or my dream for them or their dream, but to keep on living it then maybe I'll teach them that people can live through the hard parts of life that nobody dreams about.
